What's up funk-a-delic?!

A lot of you know that I took a transformational training over the past 5 months. It was totally amazing, exactly what I had been looking for in my life! It was very positive thought/the "secret" type stuff. I have been in therapy for about...I can't even remember...maybe 3 years? Maybe 4? Not sure. Anyways, the progress that I made in the trainings really was accelerated versus traditional therapy. My therapist described it as "cognitive re-structuring." I don't know what it is, but it worked. Well, now that I have ALL these tools to apply towards my life, it's a little overwhelming. I'm like, "Oh crap, you mean I can't blame people anymore for shit that goes wrong?" Here's the thing, the reason most of us do all these unhealthy things like avoiding, shutting down, blaming others, etc etc etc is because there is a payoff. Sometimes, even though you know it's not healthy, it's just plain easier to blame the World for your problems instead of taking responsibility. So, now that I have the knowledge of responsibility, it's kind of hard to go back. Not that I was so crazy/wild/irresponsible before or anything, but now that I really know better...well, it's kind of like "seeing the light." I'm not sure of the exact story, but there is some metaphor or old tale about how this person is turned around looking at shadows on the wall their whole life and how their perception is all scary and then finally someone turns them around and they "see the light"/fire and then when you turn them back around, even if they never look at the light again, their perception of the shadows is different forever. Ok, that was a ramble, but that's what it is like. Now that I know what I have been doing in my life that wasn't working, it's really hard to go back to living that way of life. However, I haven't exactly figured out all this love/positive/responsibility life stuff yet completely. So, I'm in this limbo funk. It's not a fun place to be sometimes. I feel like I have several life purposes, but when the day doesn't always seem to be aligned with your life purpose, that's kind of weird too. Like, how come I'm not making a million bucks doing stand up? Don't answer that. I know the reasons, but you get my drift. If I'm taking responsibility for my life and the universe is supposed to align and all this stuff? Well? I don't get it! And then there's that idea that if you do what you love, then you don't need money to make you happy, and then don't get me started on all this abundance thought process stuff. That's a whole other cluster fuck. If you're living abundantly, then you have enough already, which I agree with. I have everything I need. I have a boyfriend who loves me, an amazing family, a great career, I have a place to live, food, two AMAZING pets. I get it! I get it! If this is true, then why the fuck do I want to make more money? Am I brainwashed by the media? I have everything I want, I feel fulfilled, yet...why? Why? Why? Ahh!!! I know, I'm not living in true abundance because I want more and that's ego and ego is bad and...ugh. Geez I'm so exhausted even thinking about it. Evil things like greed and want and desire are really powerful. Yea, sometimes I want a really nice car and a big mansion and a maid! Is that so bad and greedy? Why is it bad to have all these extravagant desires? So, that's the struggle I go through everyday. I know I have the most amazing life ever. I really do. But sometimes I play the lottery, and sometimes I want to be a millionaire and sit on my butt. And then sometimes I know that it's all big corporate marketing because I know people that are really rich and drive really nice cars and are really really successful in entertainment and they do a bunch of drugs and they're really empty and sad inside, and I know I don't want that. The nice cars aren't making them happy. They want what I have. They would kill to have a boyfriend that brings them flowers and takes them to Disneyland. They are so lonely! So I should be grateful, and I am, but then why do I want what they have, too? I don't want to switch. I don't want money and emptiness. I just want what I have now and a little more money. Universe? Can you just send me a couple more thousand bucks a month? That's really all I want. But why do I want the money? See, this blog could keep going on and on in circles. It just don't make a bit of sense, do it?