The Past

You ever have one of those moments where your mind wanders and you think about a moment in the past...you're not bitter. You're not sad or upset or angry. You just think about a situation you were in, and it's like "What the fuck was I thinking?" And then you just want to vent about the situation to someone? No one in particular. You don't want to bad mouth yourself or beat yourself up. You just have to verbalize the stupidity. Yea, I had one of those moments like 10 minutes ago. I was stepping out of the shower. The glass on the mirrors was fogged up, and it's too cold in my house to open the door and let all that nice steamy shower heat out. So, I was just kind of forced to stand there and wait for the mirrors to clear. Then, I can get ready for my show. Put my make up on and fix my hair and whatnot. I started thinking about one of my ex-boyfriends, and what a TOTAL moron he was, and what the hell was I thinking to go against everything in my gut to fall in love with this guy? I am in an amazing relationship now that's filled with love and openness and we never ever fight, and he's cute and charming and loves me and takes good care of me when I'm sick, and I just thought about what a volatile nightmare my ex was. How he would set up these absolutely horrible situations where I just couldn't win even if I wanted to. Yet he did not see these actions as clear self sabotage. Is this why self-sabotagers do this? Because they can't see it? It was so clear to me, yet he would enroll me into getting confused when the situation was clear. The most annoying one was his ex-boss. He hated her. At the time, he hated his job and would complain CONSTANTLY about how much he hated it and how much he hated his boss. He would say she was controlling and a huge bitch, and he would say how jealous she was of our relationship. He also said she would badmouth me, and she didn't like me. I don't think he ever said one positive thing about that job or his ex-boss. I had NO point of reference except to encourage him to quit that job because all he would do was bad mouth it 24/7. When I would encourage him to take action towards um...being HAPPY by getting another job, he would then accuse me of trying to sabotage him! I think back at this, and ask myself, "Rosie, why the hell would you allow this obvious insanity to go on?" This guy was a nutjob! I could go on and on, but the only person who can take responsibility is me. Why the hell didn't I get out of there? Geez! What a total waste of time. There are only a few minor positive things I learned from that relationship. The most important one being to TRUST MY GUT. If I feel like the guy's beliefs or actions don't make any sense in most of his daily life, RUN. Self-sabotagers have very low self-esteem and they will take you down with them. The hilarious and sad thing is that when you hear his "perspective" about our relationship, it is totally delusional and off key. He believes, to this day, I would "sabotage" him. Any person with their head on straight could go play by play in our relationship and see clear as day that he would sabotage himself. In fact, we went to a couple's counselor, and she actually pulled me aside one day and told me that she thought he was a complete whack job, and I needed to get away from him fast! She said she saw this all the time, and it was really hard for her to be "neutral" when she saw that one person was clearly causing most of the issues, but that she couldn't be "sided" or the other person would not be interested in continuing couples counseling if they felt their "side" wasn't being heard. That is complete bs, if you ask me and sad! If someone is causing most of the problems, they should be confronted by the third party. Sometimes people are so brainwashed into thinking they are "right" that they need someone else to smack some sense into them because they are too proud to listen to their partner. I just wish she would have told me what she REALLY thought the first day in there. So, I could have not wasted several months of my hard earned money on counseling. She said she knew he was off the first few sessions by some of his warning sign behaviors. Well, share those with me please! Well, lesson learned, Rosie. You have the power to RUN from psychos. I can't blame him. He was just being himself! I had the power of knowledge and obligation. The person who is more sane has the obligation to dictate the situation. I like my relationship now where I have a responsible guy, and I get to be the crazy, unstable artist! I didn't like "taking care" of a psycho. I like being the psycho! =) Yay! For my normal and healthy boyfriend!